Hanging by the skin of my teeth [Being 69-ish]

Sometimes it seems I live in a hall of mirrors where brilliant white light flashes back at me whenever someone opens their mouth and smiles. White, white, white teeth are everywhere! Maybe healing of emotional triggers begins with admitting how quickly I turn someone else’s smile into a reason to question my own.

Oh Great, Another Thing to Compare and Judge Myself For

And this observation is yet another one of my little (not so little?) comparing and contrasting to others. This is only my 3rd week installment to uncover the countless ways I catch myself judging my appearance – and much of it is sizing myself up to others. And it’s an eye roll, because now that I’m focusing on them, these comparisons and observations are plentiful and subconscious, which I’m now bringing into my conscious! 

There are clearly patterns of self criticism that have been running in the background for much longer than I realized. Ugh.

Though this experiment is in its early stages, I’m steeped in what’s coming up for me! Once-a-week for all of 2025 – 52 weeks of noticing… that is, 52 ways of noticing the cascade of self-judging. I’m swallowing hard in sharing these (embarrassing) observations – but that’s the point. When I can vulnerably notice these mind games and name them OUTLOUD, then, the idea is that they’ll become less embarrassing as I learn to accept these things about myself. (Do you find yourself doing this as well? If you’re open to a little vulnerability, drop down to the comments section and let me know!)

I suppose these are mindfulness practices for catching myself before I get too far down one of those little mental rabbit holes.

The Comment That Stuck and the Old Childhood Wounds Behind It

I never paid any attention to this particular self-shaming until I was in my mid-40’s and a boyfriend at the time said something to the effect that I should consider getting my teeth whitened.

“What? What’s wrong with my teeth?,” I winced. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but the essence that stayed with me (because it was all about my looks!) is something to the effect of, “You’d look better if your teeth were whiter.”

Maybe old childhood hurts about looks are part of why one casual comment could take up so much space in my head for so long.

I remember shrugging off his comment at the time, laughing nervously to deflect how deeply it stung. But the seed was planted. Thereafter, whenever I caught my reflection I started scrutinizing my teeth. Were they really that “yellowish bad”? Was I walking around oblivious to something so glaringly wrong that others were silently judging me too?

At the same time (and isn’t this exactly how comparison creeps in?) I couldn’t help but notice the dazzling smiles in magazines, movies, and on strangers in line at the grocery store. Their teeth seemed unnaturally perfect, almost too white, yet making me question my own smile.  It was around that time that teeth whitening became the rage. Strips, trays, pens, you name it. I tried them – driven by the nagging thought that whiter teeth would make me… what? Prettier? More lovable? Less invisible? I never fully articulated it back then. All I knew was that I didn’t want anyone, especially a boyfriend, looking at me and thinking “if only.”

Apparently, emotional triggers in a checkout line can sneak up on me just as easily as they can in front of a mirror.

It was around that time that teeth whitening became the rage. Strips, trays, pens, you name it. I tried them – driven by the nagging thought that whiter teeth would make me… what? Prettier? More lovable? Less invisible? I never fully articulated it back then. All I knew was that I didn’t want anyone, especially a boyfriend, looking at me and thinking “if only.”

Now, if I am going to do it, I would rather have professional advice before whitening than believe every promise printed on a box.

Healing of Emotional Triggers Even With Whitening Strips

Now at 69-ish, I find myself laughing (and cringing) at the absurdity of it all. The mental gymnastics, the self-scrutiny, the utterly bizarre idea that my value could hinge on the brightness of my teeth. However, ahem, even as I scoff at the thought, I’m still reaching for the whitening strips!

At 69-ish, healing of emotional triggers seems to mean noticing that I still reach for them, without turning that into another reason to shame myself.

To be clear, this experiment is not about changing what I do, but noticing that I do it. Sure, maybe there is a part of me that still says, “this will make me prettier.”  IDK, I’ll have to sit with that.

Maybe freedom from the comparison game is not about pretending I never notice someone else’s dazzling teeth. Maybe it is about not making my own smile lesser because theirs happen to look brighter.

What I’m Actually Trying to Do Here With a Little Mindfulness

I believe the real progress in this experiment of noticing is peeling back the layers of my self-judgment week by week. It’s less about erasing the thoughts altogether and more about making peace with them. So I’m thinking I can embrace my imperfections while still indulging in the rituals that bring me joy – whether that’s whitening strips or a perfectly brewed cup of coffee (that yellows my teeth!).

So here’s to another week of noticing, cringing, and chuckling (and bringing out a fresh box of whitening strips). I don’t need perfect teeth to smile – in fact, one of my front teeth is crooked. But I just need my smile to be genuine, my words to be kind and my heart to be open. That’s enough for me (or so I’m learning!).

With Love,
Becca